43 pounds in four months.

My body has been changing lately.  Or maybe I should say I'm changing my body?

I have lost a bunch of fat in the last few months.  Surprisingly, the hard part doesn't have to do with food and weight!  The real weight is in my head...

I found a diet program that is working really well for me.  I've been losing weight easily and quickly but I think maybe the biggest transformation is coming in my head. The other day I was commenting on the near platform appearance of my hips (seriously!) and Rustin said--"that's where my babies sit.  I love it!"  So sweet.  He's right!  I am grateful for this body that has grown SIX human souls!

I have to say, my physical pregnancies weren't the most difficult thing for me.  Really--my brain is what caused the biggest struggle.  Postpartum depression has been an unwelcome companion through the infancy of just about all of my kids.  Jenna was the exception.  Benson was probably the worst. Thankfully, I haven't ever been in a position where I didn't love and enjoy my babies.  More like, I just spent several months either hiding in bed with them snuggled up with me or baking my way through intense anxiety and feelings of failure and overall depression.  I am grateful that those experiences have all been temporary and I have been able to find my way back to more level headed enjoyable life.  I have an awesome husband, good friends and family to thank for that! But I also gained a LOT of weight.  Homemade bread and cookies were my coping mechanism--what can I say...

I am really starting to understand the root of the problem for me.  Even without the depression, I have always been an anxiety driven person.  I don't do the laundry until the anxiety over smelly, dirty clothes forces me to the laundry room for a couple of days.  I don't sort the mail until the anxiety over what bills I'm missing wins over the uncomfortable-ness of the task of facing the bills.  The list goes on and on.  The problem with using an anxiety based motivation to accomplish tasks is that once the task is started and the anxiety lessens, the motivation to continue the task ends.  So if I start dieting because I am afraid I will turn into the fat lady at the circus, then as soon as I lose a bit of weight my motivation (and will-power) is gone.

The first step for me has been changing my mind.  I am learning to re-define myself as a healthy person and a person who can take life by the horns! I don't have to hide from difficult things.  I have repeated "I can do hard things..." a thousand times in my head!  And I am redefining my view of my body so I don't see a fat body--just a body that has accomplished some incredible tasks and needs some attention. I'm not just someone who is eating healthy food today but I am a person who IS a healthy person.

Honestly though, it's hard to say goodbye to food.  I'm not kidding.  I almost don't really believe that other activities can make me as happy and calm as baking the perfect batch of light fluffy rolls with warm melting butter... I am taking baby steps in faith that I will discover that life without overeating really is just as happy and soothing as life blanketed with food.  I'm trying to believe that there are other things that will bring me more comfort and peace than eating and providing food for my family.  This dieting experience for me is like the difference between someone who stops smoking because they don't have any cigarettes and the person who actually becomes a non-smoker. It's really hard to do!  But it's a task that is worth my time and attention.