43 pounds in four months.

My body has been changing lately.  Or maybe I should say I'm changing my body?

I have lost a bunch of fat in the last few months.  Surprisingly, the hard part doesn't have to do with food and weight!  The real weight is in my head...

I found a diet program that is working really well for me.  I've been losing weight easily and quickly but I think maybe the biggest transformation is coming in my head. The other day I was commenting on the near platform appearance of my hips (seriously!) and Rustin said--"that's where my babies sit.  I love it!"  So sweet.  He's right!  I am grateful for this body that has grown SIX human souls!

I have to say, my physical pregnancies weren't the most difficult thing for me.  Really--my brain is what caused the biggest struggle.  Postpartum depression has been an unwelcome companion through the infancy of just about all of my kids.  Jenna was the exception.  Benson was probably the worst. Thankfully, I haven't ever been in a position where I didn't love and enjoy my babies.  More like, I just spent several months either hiding in bed with them snuggled up with me or baking my way through intense anxiety and feelings of failure and overall depression.  I am grateful that those experiences have all been temporary and I have been able to find my way back to more level headed enjoyable life.  I have an awesome husband, good friends and family to thank for that! But I also gained a LOT of weight.  Homemade bread and cookies were my coping mechanism--what can I say...

I am really starting to understand the root of the problem for me.  Even without the depression, I have always been an anxiety driven person.  I don't do the laundry until the anxiety over smelly, dirty clothes forces me to the laundry room for a couple of days.  I don't sort the mail until the anxiety over what bills I'm missing wins over the uncomfortable-ness of the task of facing the bills.  The list goes on and on.  The problem with using an anxiety based motivation to accomplish tasks is that once the task is started and the anxiety lessens, the motivation to continue the task ends.  So if I start dieting because I am afraid I will turn into the fat lady at the circus, then as soon as I lose a bit of weight my motivation (and will-power) is gone.

The first step for me has been changing my mind.  I am learning to re-define myself as a healthy person and a person who can take life by the horns! I don't have to hide from difficult things.  I have repeated "I can do hard things..." a thousand times in my head!  And I am redefining my view of my body so I don't see a fat body--just a body that has accomplished some incredible tasks and needs some attention. I'm not just someone who is eating healthy food today but I am a person who IS a healthy person.

Honestly though, it's hard to say goodbye to food.  I'm not kidding.  I almost don't really believe that other activities can make me as happy and calm as baking the perfect batch of light fluffy rolls with warm melting butter... I am taking baby steps in faith that I will discover that life without overeating really is just as happy and soothing as life blanketed with food.  I'm trying to believe that there are other things that will bring me more comfort and peace than eating and providing food for my family.  This dieting experience for me is like the difference between someone who stops smoking because they don't have any cigarettes and the person who actually becomes a non-smoker. It's really hard to do!  But it's a task that is worth my time and attention.

Catching up

Hey everyone!
How was Halloween?
We had a great Halloween! But Halloween is always great isn't it?  We went to our traditional ward party.  I love ward parties...
I was a dud with costumes this year.  Benson was yet another version of a Hobbit (three years running).   I think he was a Hobbit wizard? I don't know but he had a cool staff and hat so he was happy.  Jackson wore the leopard costume that all five of his siblings have worn.  So cute! And he said trick-or-treat to everyone he saw. Jenna and Austin scrounged costumes from the box.  It was fun.  I love Fall and our weather has been absolutely perfect with some of the most beautiful fall colors we've had in years.

Is it me or is Christmas already creeping in?
I have big plans to have all our Christmas shopping done BEFORE Thanksgiving.
I always say that but this is going to be my year...

Here's what we've been up to:

Landon had surgery on his knee.  They removed the mangled portion of his meniscus in his right knee.  His knee felt better almost immediately.  Though whatever they gave him during this surgery (general anesthesia always makes me nervous...) made him sick and he threw up for a day or so.  Poor kid! His knee felt great though--he walked out of the hospital and only took one pain pill. He spent a couple of days laying around on the couch but bounced right back.  As usual.   His shoulder still hurts.  He is in physical therapy and hoping that he will be able to wrestle.  We'll see.

The boys' football team won the district championship so we start state playoffs next weekend here at home.  Dallin has been starting offense and defense. Yea! We wish Landon was playing...  I have discovered that I love watching football and it's even more fun when my kids are playing. 

Austin finished his football year.  He played offense and defense and did great.  He is busy with wrestling.  All three boys keep reminding that they need wrestling food---which means lean meat and vegetables.  Good for all of us...

We took family pictures last week.  I've been working on Christmas cards.  Can I just say that pictures with a wiggly grumpy toddler equals a million hours on Photoshop...

But Jack sure is a cutie lately! He came in our room at 5:30 this morning and snuggled up and went back to sleep with me.  I love moments like that.  He is talking like crazy.  It is so fun to hear what he thinks.  He says all his colors wrong which makes the kids laugh.  I keep asking if he wants to go on the potty like Benson and he says "no way." Darn.

Rustin is loving his new office.  Everything about it is great and he is really busy.  Also great.  He has been super busy with bishop things lately.  Yesterday we were cleaning up and singing along to one of Austin's favorite playlists--a bunch of minecraft parody songs--and Rustin commented that he had never heard any of them.  So funny.  I don't think any of us notice how much he is gone until something like that comes up. We have been blessed though.  I don't think the kids feel any lack of involvement or presence from their dad no matter how busy he gets.  That is just one of those compensating blessings I guess.  We are grateful.

Hope you all have a grateful November!