Somehow when Instagram and Facebook took off a few years ago I stopped writing. I used to keep up with my thoughts about our everyday lives and then each year I published everything in a book. We still love to go back and look at those books!
It's been years since I have taken time out of my week to look back and reflect on a regular basis. Somehow I think I got caught up in trying to make pictures look perfect and having interesting enough activities that they were worth publishing. I felt like I couldn't write if I didn't have pictures to go along with my thoughts. But now that a few years have gone by I realize that what I have really missed are the regular boring days! The kids have grown and are starting to leave my little nest. And the memories fade. When I take time to write I have the opportunity to remember always. And writing is a little bit of therapy as it helps me to re-frame my experiences and reflect back on what is really the most important.
A year ago Landon and Megan had just gotten married, Austin was preparing to leave for his mission and Dallin had just gone back up to Rexburg for school.
Two years ago Dallin and Landon had just returned from their missions. That was a magical time. I will never forget the feeling that my heart and spirit would burst with joy when I wrapped my arms around Landon fresh off the plane from Texas. He looked and smelled like a new and different adult but he also looked and smelled like my tiny baby. The next day Dallin came home and when I saw my boys, and then all my children, sigh with complete joy as they saw each other--I can never express the feelings. And I hope I never forget.
Three years ago Austin was starting his senior year, Dallin and Landon were busy as missionaries and Jenna, Benson and Jackson were finding their footing with homeschool and with friends and activities.
Four years ago my emotions and spirit were raw as I saw my family separated for the first time. As we sent the twins off to their missions I realized that my life would never be the same. And it hasn't. But it is better!
Growing pains were painful but so worth it. My family isn't as physically close as we were at one point but we are so bonded to each other in spirit! I can never adequately express how lucky/blessed/grateful I feel. I don't know how we managed. I truly feel like my life is a big example of everyday ordinary miracles that have combined to bring the most joy. I really do mean miracles.
This last six months have been extraordinary! in March everything shut down, schools closed and college kids were sent home. All thanks to COVID-19. Dallin came back to stay with us and finish his college classes at home. Jenna, Benson and Jackson all finished their school at home as well. Rustin had to close his office and we were home all alone. No one came over. There was no longer a constant influx of people coming in and out of the front door. I realized how much I needed a slower pace and less social interactions.
All of my kids have some amazing qualities and our relationship with each one has grown and changed but I am thinking about Dallin this morning. I'll write about the others at other times.
Having Dallin here has been such a great and new experience. We haven't had a chance to live with him and develop adult friendships and relationships. Dallin has been a blessing during these last 6 months of quarantine. He brings so much energy! He pushes us to eat healthy and work out. He likes to spend time together and wants us to watch movies and play games all together. He reminds me to connect with everyone in person instead of just checking out with my computer at night. Over the break we spent so many hours talking and researching and planning options for his future. Only he can decide where he will go and I am so excited to be able to watch! I have an admiration for his drive and determination. I feel like his strength is my greatest weakness and I find it inspiring and awesome to watch. Back in grade school when he and Landon were struggling to learn to read and struggling to make any friends and fit in, I worried that those struggles would cause permanent harm. That they would lose confidence or motivation. I was wrong. Dallin (and Landon) overcame those trials and came out as adults who understand how to work hard. And they have compassion.
Dallin has the ability to push himself harder than anyone I know. And I don't say that lightly. ADHD and dyslexia are a pain. Dallin has to work harder than the others around him. He always has. He never complains. He just buckles in and gets it done. Sometimes when he was a kid he would cry and thrash and lash out with exhaustion and frustration. "Who even created this stupid English language! It makes no sense!" I remember when he was in third grade or so and he was in a particularly sassy stage. He was kind of mouthy and wouldn't always obey and he was sleepwalking and crying and fighting. I thought I needed to crack the whip and make sure that he know there were Rules in our family. Then one night as I prayed I had the distinct impression that he needed the opposite. He was struggling and needed me to be calm and non-reactive. And sympathetic. I completely changed the way I interacted with him after that. I stopped punishing and started giving him the benefit of the doubt and it changed everything.
He pushed through learning struggles and by the time he reached 8th grade he scored 100% on his language ISAT tests. That's pretty awesome. The emotional and intellectual skills that he learned have helped him through so many trials. I never knew back in second grade that the things he was learning were critical for his future success. The days at recess when he and Landon couldn't get any of the kids to let them play on their recess teams (they were pretty intense competitors--even at recess...) formed in Dallin an understanding and a kindness. And a serious streak of competitiveness. I know that his persistence and determination isn't a trait he learned from me. He learned it from Rustin. And probably from the grandparents who have gone before him that are whispering in his ear and holding him up every step of the way. Someday I am going to thank them.
And I am going to do the same for my grandchildren that aren't even here yet. That is a promise.
So this morning--Dallin is back to school. I am aching to soften the blows and lesson the hurts that are sure to come. I don't want him to go to bed hungry because he's out of money and he's too exhausted to get to the store and find food. I don't want him to feel the self-doubt and emotional pain that comes from having a potential relationship fall apart. I know he aches to find the One that the Lord has in store for him. I hate that he will spend hours wrestling with reading textbooks and trying to help his wandering mind focus on the monotonous task of memorizing and studying. But I also know that Dallin can do this. He has overcome so much. I am honestly excited to be in the 'bleachers' cheering and watching his life unfold. And I am praying like crazy that he can be protected and loved and cherished.
Back when Dallin and Landon were babies and tiny toddlers they were exhausting. They were so hard to get to sleep--they could climb out of their cribs by 15 months. I worked evenings and nights and Rustin put in 16+ hours a day at school and work as well. We were almost never home together in the evenings. When bedtime came sometimes I was so. exhausted. I could barely function. They would just jump around and giggle and hit each other and pull the blankets off the bed and cry and almost fall asleep and then run out of their bottle and wake up bright eyed just as I started to doze off... Sometimes at night when they just WOULD NOT stop and lay down and sleep I was desperate and I would lay with an arm over one wiggling boy and a leg over the other and I would sing. I often found myself singing "I need thee every hour, stay thou nearby..." with tears pouring down my cheeks.
Today I feel the same. Help me adjust. Help me support without getting in the way. Help me remember and trust. Please bless my child. I truly do Need Thee every hour.
I can only pray that the prayers of a Mother are heard. I am reminded that I am not the only Mother that Dallin has. And I know that so many of my mothers around me, seen and unseen, understand my genuine heartfelt plea.
Maybe my best support of Dallin is to push myself. If Dallin can do this so can I! He is working to get his two mile run time to 12 minutes. If he can do that maybe I can run one mile. I don't know, but I do know that I will be blessed if I just ask for help. Because, surely, I have a mothers-- here on earth and in heaven --that are cheering for me in a ways that only another mother can understand.
